Drawing on years of experience working with people facing mental health challenges in both Vietnam and the United States, psychotherapist Vu Anh Quan discusses why men's mental health deserves greater attention. He also shares how to recognize the warning signs early and deal with emotional challenges without shutting down or losing control.
Reporter: Welcome to Doctor at Home, Mr. Quan. Thank you for joining us. For many men, talking about mental health is still not easy. Why is breaking that silence so important?
Mr. Anh Quan: Because honestly the silence is killing people. And I don't say that for effect. I mean it literally. In a lot of countries men die by suicide far more often than women. In some places three, four times as often. And yet we're the ones least likely to go get help. Like the data I've seen only about one in six men have talked to a mental health professional in the past year, way below women. And that gap right there between how much men are struggling and how rarely we actually reach out, that's where the danger is. And a part of it is that when a man's struggling it often doesn't look like sadness, right? It doesn't look like the textbook thing. It comes out as irritability, anger, burying yourself in work, drinking a bit more, pulling back from people, or just going kind of flat, numb. And because it's in disguise everybody misses it. So when we just talk about openly it chips away at this idea that a man who's struggling is a man who's failing. And funnily, all it takes is one person going, yeah me too. I've been having a rough time. And suddenly everyone around him gets this quiet permission to just be human. And look, this is a very heavy topic so let me just say plainly if any of this is landing a little bit too close to home for you, please talk to someone you trust or a local helpline. You really don't have to carry it out on your own.
Reporter: Many men grow up hearing phrases like “be strong” or “man up.” How can these expectations affect the way men deal with stress and emotional problems?
Mr. Anh Quan: Oh, massively, and usually in ways we don't even see. Because most of us got handed this script growing up. Be strong, handle yourself, don't complain, don't lean on anybody, be a man, you know boys don't cry, man up type of things. And to be fair that script isn't all bad. It can build real grit, real responsibility, but it also teaches one thing, one disastrous lesson that needing help is something to be ashamed of. And that every emotion except anger is kind of off the table. And here in Vietnamese culture there's a whole extra layer on top because a man is often the pillar of the family. And, well, pillars aren't supposed to wobble, right? So a guy feels like if he admits he's struggling he's letting everyone down. And that's why I always try to flip that around because real strength was never about not feeling any pain. It's about being steady enough to look at it honestly and say what you need. A pillar that's quietly cracking because nobody's allowed to check in on it, that's not strong, that's dangerous. Taking care of your mental health is honestly one of the most responsible things a man can do for the people leaning on him.
Psychotherapist Vu Anh Quan is a clinical social worker and a former project lead of a five-year National Institutes of Health-funded mental health program that supported more than 1,600 adults living with depression in northern Vietnam. He has been working closely with community health providers and saw firsthand how everyday stress can quietly evolve into distress, the kind that affects sleep, relationships, and work. He is currently a contracted speaker for Intellect Vietnam, an adjunct practicum instructor for the Advanced Psychological Counseling course for master’s-level social work students at Hanoi University of Public Health, and a guest lecturer at Vin University.
Reporter: I’ve seen some men coping with stress by bottling up their emotions until they either shut down or lose their temper. What are some healthier ways to manage pressure and emotions?
Mr. Anh Quan: Okay, so here's the insight that changes everything for guys. Going numb and blowing up, people think they're opposite right? They seem opposite but they're not. They're the same thing. They're both what happens when emotions pile up and there's nowhere else for it to go. One shuts the lid on it and the other lets it explode. So what we're really trying to build here is the ability to let it out in small steady amounts so it never gets to the extremes. So a few things that actually work, right? The first one, it sounds almost too simple. It's just to name it. There's a real science here because the second you put a feeling into words, like ‘Okay I'm not actually angry, I'm worried and I'm exhausted.’ It literally calms the alarm system in your brain. So just widening that vocabulary is genuinely powerful. The second thing is to move. Go for a walk, hit the gym, whatever. Because physical movement gives those stress hormones an actual exit instead of letting them just sit there and simmer. And then build yourself a pressure valve before you need one. A standing phone call with a friend, a hobby, getting outside, even just 10 minutes alone on your bike, in your car. Before you walk into the house. But honestly the biggest one, here's the kicker. Have one person, one friend you can totally be unguarded with. We don't need a whole support group, just one person. The research on this is really clear, in that a single trusted relationship is genuinely protective. And look, the goal here isn't to turn into some different guy. It's just to stop carrying it on in silence until it comes out sideways.
Reporter: If a man realizes he needs more support than he can manage on his own, what kinds of help are available, and what approaches tend to work well?
Mr. Anh Quan: Yeah, I think it helps to know that it's not all about lying on a couch and talking about your childhood. The therapies that tend to click with guys are the structured, skill-based ones. So therapies like cognitive behavioral therapy, that's very practical because it gives you the actual tools for your thoughts and your stress. And then there's this acceptance and commitment therapy, which is all about values. And this one really lands with men because it asks the question like, all right, what kind of father, partner, man do you actually want to be? And how do we get you there? But honestly, a lot of guys just do better shoulder to shoulder with another man than face to face. You know what I mean? Like a match group, a sports team, like training for something, volunteering, building a project with other guys. That's where the real talk tends to just happen on its own. And don't sleep on the basics because they're evidence-based too. Like moving your body regularly, getting decent sleep, easing off on the alcohol, the substances, getting out into nature, all of that measurably lifts your mood. So the point is there's a door for every kind of guy. You don't have to force yourself through the one that doesn't feel like you.
Reporter: Any advice for men who want to take better care of their mental health but don't know where to start?
Mr. Anh Quan: Okay, just start small, like ridiculously small. Smaller than feels worth doing. Because if going to therapy feels like too much, then that's not the first step, right? The first step maybe is one honest sentence to another person that you trust. Like, ‘Hey, I've been a bit off lately.’ And that's it. That one little crack in the silence, that's usually where the whole thing starts. And then just pick one thing and do it. Try it for the next two weeks. Maybe it's a walk every day. Maybe it's capping the drinking. Maybe it's texting a friend you kind of drifted from. Maybe waking up at the same time every day. You're not trying to overhaul your life. You just want one piece of evidence that things can actually shift for the better. Because that is what rebuilds the hope for recovery. And please, let go of this idea that you're supposed to handle everything on your own. Asking for help isn't the opposite of being strong. It's how you resupply the strength. So to the men who are listening, your well-being isn't some luxury. And looking after it isn't weakness. It's literally how you stay strong for the people who are counting on you. You don't have to do it all. Just start with one honest sentence to one person you trust. And if anything today hit a little bit too close to home, please reach out. Someone you trust, a helpline, or myself. Anyway, thank you for listening.
Reporter: Our thanks to Mr. Anh Quan for sharing his insights on men's mental health with us today. And thank you for listening. If you have questions or topics you'd like us to cover in future editions of Doctor at Home, please email us at englishsection@vov.vn.
For more evidence-based mental health information and resources from Vu Anh Quan, you can also visit quantamly.github.io. Until next time, remember that looking after your mental health is just as important as taking care of your physical well-being. If you’re facing difficulties, don’t hesitate to speak up and seek support. Stay well and take care.
